Note #1: I am posting this Want Ad for a friend who happens to be male. I am theoretically willing to post a similar ad for other genders or persuasions.
Note #2: However I may feel about the ad personally, I have chosen to post the ad unedited. I was told I would earn karma points if I complied, and I guess I believe him (because he would earn negative karma points for lying – right?).
Note #3: Or maybe I just enjoy the absurdity.
Wanted: the perfect teacher
Am seeking the perfect teacher. Candidates may contact me through this website, or through magical means (that would be most impressive).
Must know everything, or at least enough of everything so I can’t tell the difference. Am looking for a handsome or attractive woman (though not necessarily good-looking in a conventional way) in her thirties, forties, or early fifties (age is not as important as vitality). In addition to providing a graduated and well-timed (as well as entertaining) set of life instructions, she should be a good cook and an impeccable advisor. Did I mention a sense of humor and appreciation of nature? Besides a spiritual brilliance, she should be able to just hang out with me from time to time, speaking what cannot otherwise be spoken, or fixing what otherwise could not be fixed, or fixing what can be fixed before it breaks. She should hail from an exotic locale, or at the very least she should be from out-of-town. She should arrive with no baggage from her past. Not a trace of baggage. It is preferable if she has severed all family ties. She should have an aura of unpredictable sexuality, such that a touch on the shoulder feels like it could escalate. She should share all my opinions and views. Lacking that, she should be able to find a way to bridge all apparently opposing opinions and views so that we appear to be on the same page.
Availability and accommodations:
I would like her to be available on an as needed basis, and to have the ability to disappear (either physically or metaphorically) when her presence is not required. One solution to this requirement is that she would have the capacity to shift herself either to a different dimension or out of phase with this dimension. I invite her to live on the premises, provided she is able to do so in her “not seen” mode. In order to accomplish this, it would be of benefit if she had the skill of dimensional shifting. My preferred solution would be for her to use her extra-dimensional skills to live in a sacred container of our mutual choice. That way, if she somehow failed to respond to my calling, I would know where to find her.
The satisfaction of a job well done. And, I’m thinking there must be some sort of eternal reward attached to this position.
While not a requirement, it would be in her favor if she has the capacity to grant me three wishes. I understand that the wishes need to be somewhat realistic. I promise not to wish for immense wealth, immortality, or to alter world history – either past, present, or future. I would like to retain the right to retract a wish spoken accidentally, carelessly, unconsciously, foolishly, or in jest.
I know the Traveler Musings Guy said you can contact me through his website, and you can if you must. But I would much prefer if you contacted me in person. So, if you meet these qualifications, please drop by magically for an interview. It would be most impressive if you would materialize in dramatic fashion. I have an old-fashioned teapot on my stove-top, if that helps.